there is something wrong with me.

one, i am bias. if i hate you, i hate you. period.
two, i am lukewarm. i love God, but i haven't been praying.
three, i don't give a damn. do whatever you want. it's your life. i dun care.
four, i don't think God is the center of my life.

i need to get away.

i gotta start finding myself again.
but i'm so lazy to start.
i'd rather sit here and let it pass (if it would pass).

i don't know what to do.
there isn't anyone who will be accountable for me here.

i realise i can be two different people.
i'm different in subang.
i'm different in kuching.

in subang, i pray, i worship, i'm excited about God.
in kuching, i dun even say grace before meal, i don't pray before i sleep...

why?
it shouldn't be this way.

i need help.

but i'm too lazy to go get it.

there's something about me not sleeping the night before i fly. i wonder why.
maybe i'm scared i forgot to pack something.
there's so many things i wanna bring back.
but my luggage is pretty small.
with my mom's cereals and my bible, it's pretty full already.
thus, i can't exactly bring back the tons of books as i would like to.

well, another year has gone by.
i managed to survive two semesters of communication.
not too bad. :)
this will be another long holiday.
but time sure flies real quick.
in a blink of an eye, it'll be jan 15.
another blink, and it'll be chinese new year.
then back to classes.

i'll definitely miss this place again.
i'll miss my best friend.
i'll miss coming home late at night.
i'll miss not having to inform anyone about my whereabouts.
i'll miss staying alone.
i'll miss the fast food. :) i'm gonna get homecooked food! wheeee...

but either ways, i know i'll be back here again soon enough.
and i know who will be by my side throughout.
i think i should go get some shut eye.
wake up early and finish my packing.

i can't wait to see my family
and esp my niece. :)

goodbye, subang jaya.
till we meet again. :)

sigh.
some songs are just so meaningful.
i think i've been moved emotionally by songs lately.
like now, i'm listening to 'have you ever' by sclub7. i feel so... emo.
the other day i was listening to uncle kracker's smile... i felt so happy.
another day i was listening to amy studt's just a little girl... and i felt like i could overcome any obstacle.

songs make me think.
they put me in the mood.
and i remember things.
they remind me of the special people in my life.
they bring me back to good memories.

at the same time, they can be great distractions.
especially when i need to concentrate on my work.


like now. :p

i think i now know how it feels when my soul is crying.

~
from now until forever
that's how long i'll be true
i'll make you this vow
and promise you now until forever
i'll never stop loving you
~

i'm tired of sitting alone in this living room
looking out the window at the passing cars
watching people walk in and out of the house
listening to the sound of the spinning fan.

i'm tired of searching for information
tired of cracking my head to write my assignment papers
just two more weeks and i'll be free for three months
but all i wanna do right now is have fun.

perhaps i should go treat myself to an ice cream
but what's the joy of eating an ice cream alone
the moment should be shared.

perhaps i should go watch a movie
but again, what's the joy of watching a movie alone.

perhaps i should take a nap
and dream of wild things to write about for my paper. :)
yeah, i think i'll do that.

i would love you forever
i would put smiles on your face every day
i would make you laugh your heart out
and you'd never feel the burdens of the day

i would protect you always
i would cover you with an umbrella on a rainy day
i would stop the cars so that you can cross the road safely
i would hold your hand so that you won't trip and fall

i would dry your tears if you want me to
or i would cry along with you when you are sad
i would be your punching bag when you are angry
and when you are satisfied
i would give you a long hug and tell you how much i love you

i would give you space when you want it
i would sit silently with you if you want that
i would hold you in my arms when we sleep at night
and i would kiss you ever so gently and lovingly

i would give you more than you ever dream of
i would care for you better than anyone else could
i would love you with all my heart
and be loyal to you forever... and ever.

i would.



if only i could.

to lose myself is the last thing i want to happen to me. 
but it seems so easy, especially with the voices you hear in your head
telling you that all you know this time were all lies. 

but i will not back down on my faith.
God is real
even when i cannot see Him
even when i cannot feel Him
i know He is real. 

the world can tell me shit
the media can tell me lies
but i will stand firm on my faith
even if i'm hanging on to only a thin thread.

even if no one holds out their hand to pull me up,
even if the thread is breaking
i will hang on and believe that i will be save soon enough. 

even if i fall,
i know i will be caught.

all the confusion i have in my head
failing to tell the difference between right from wrong,
good from bad,
true from fake.
i'm gonna tell you to shut the hell up!
you've made my life directionless enough.
go dig a hole and stay down there and don't you dare get out.

because i'm gonna walk down the straight path that leads me to Him
i'm gonna put my focus back on my purpose in this life.
to make a difference
to be somebody.

and you world, all your lies and telling me that i'm stupid will not stop me.
no matter how inferior you make me feel,
i will be strong and i will wear that crown one day. 

so you voices in my head,
you voices in the media,
you voices of the world, 
get behind me! 

my God is bigger and more powerful than you are, you idiot minions! 

my 20th birthday is my favorite of all.
it was low-keyed yet personal.

i enjoyed watching jessica and steph stick 20 candles into my bbq fish and cucumbers
in the wee hours of friday morning after my 8am class.

i freaked out playing Left 4 Dead with steph and drew.
but it was fun.

i loved the surprise suzanne gave me in her room.
came out from the shower and i see cake on the table
and a silly grin on her face
and she broke into a happy-birthday song.
i loved the laughter and conversation after.
and the quiet time with God together.

i woke up to my parents calling me.
and silly messages from my sister.
and a call from my brother during lunch.

i was filled with kfc on sunday lunch after Mass
with a whole bunch of God's lovely people.

i was deaf after having those who went for the Inner Healing Camp screamed happy-birthday down my phone.
inner healing indeed. :) i thought my phone's earpiece was going to blow!

i got rich when sue's parents gave me angpow. :)

i laughed at crisabel trying to hide behind daniel's car door.
she and frida gave me a slice of secret recipe cake which candle i blew out at medan.
it came with a cute card and a forest ghost. :S

i sweated when vivien and everyone else surprised me after practice for the youth sponsored mass.
i was coming out, and at the same time shouting orders to the sunway/monash people to follow daniel.
talk about failed commands. :p


i is loved and blessed. =D

i was having lunch with my friend today in college.
we were talking about every other thing.
then she asked,

"what do you see yourself doing for the rest of your life?"

she knows i hate the communication field because of its unethical nature.

i sat there thinking.
i came home, still thinking.

ironically, the only thing i see myself doing for the rest of my life is being a layperson working in the Church, a theologian, or a religious.

but this is what i see now.
probably influenced by my work experience.
and my lack of passion for anything else but God and His Church.

it might change one year down the road...

... or not.



on another note, i 'terserempak' with my friend again in the library and as we were going down the lift to go home (she gave me a lift home), she was asking me about the PR assignment 1 (which i failed) and told her the (too-late-for-me) learnt lesson about how to go about writing it.

and she said, "but why he (lecturer) never tell us that?"

"maybe you were supposed to ask", i answered, surprising myself.

it left my friend dumbfounded too. a realization for both of us.

don't we always blame lecturers for not informing us about how to go about with our assignments when it should be us asking our lecturers what exactly should be done. the assignment grades depend on our hard work, determination, persistence and perseverance. not our lecturers'.

but i surprised myself with the perspective i take in looking at things. it's not so much about the other person, but more of ourselves. how we perceive things. how we perceive others. when we have a certain perception of someone we don't like, for example, every little thing that he/she does will sure not fail to be criticized by us. but in the eyes of others who don't mind him/her, they don't see it that way.

the truth is only in the eye of the beholder.

which is the real truth?

it sucks feeling guilty.
and it seems like i can never forgive myself for what i did.
how did it happen?
how did i allow it to happen?
what am i gonna do to fix it?
sigh.

God deserves a space in my livejournal. :)

today, i'm gonna sing of His great love for me. you know, when the bible says God blesses those who trust in Him, it is very true. my Journalism Ethics assignment is challenging. having to find sources to interview and all that. but He provides. He always provides.

firstly, He provided me with all the interviewees for my topics. from the easiest to get to the hardest. there was DAP Hannah Yeoh, BN PKA Dato' Lee Hwa Beng, moral theologian Fr Clarence Devadass, Dr Sharad and a source who would like to remain anonymous. :) I haven't completed all the interviews but i have already done 4 out of 5. I haven't written them yet but I will get started on them soon.

secondly, this week was going to be a super-duper packed week. monday 8-5 class and badminton at night till God knows what time i get back, tuesday class till 3 and have to prepare readings before i go for classes. wednesday and thursday supposedly my free days but planned to be writing my articles for the assignment, friday class till 10am and planning to start work on my Issues in Publication Design assignment presentation which is due next wednesday! and saturday through monday is SFX Camp. i am seriously tight all the way up to my eyes. i can only see, i can hardly breathe. all i can do is do my best with whatever i can and trust God.

and guess what? classes for this week are all C-A-N-C-E-L-E-D! apparently 3 students and a lecturer in SOC had H1N1, but they are in okay condition. :) so when classes are canceled, it means i have more time to do my assignments and readings!! and then,.... my JE assignment's deadline is pushed to next Friday instead! now i have even more time!

for me, working with God hand-in-hand is always fruitful. it is like walking on air but with something solid to support my feet. have you watched Journey to the Center of the Earth? it is like when the young boy had to cross over to the other side by the means of the magnetic rocks around the force field. or a better analogy, like Magneto in x-men where he had those iron discs to walk on. he didn't even bother looking down making sure the iron discs were there in front of him before he put forward his next foot. he just walked and the iron discs were there to hold him up. God is like those iron discs, the magnetic rocks and i just walk with faith and full trust that i won't fall, that He will always hold me up, that He will always be there for me. how beautiful is that?

and on sunday, it was one of the rare moments that i actually acknowledged the gentle 'urgings' of the Holy Spirit. i was planning to go to the fertility clinic in the afternoon for an interview but something prompted me gently to call up the clinic first. it was so gentle, like it wasn't even there. i could simply ignore and say no need lah, waste phone bill only. but i called the clinic up and they said they close at 2pm (the name card said 5pm). i felt like... wow. and i spent the afternoon with friends, cleaning up the community center, watching Up. to put in a direct way, even if i feel like i'm running out of time, as long as i trust God with my life, He will provide whatever I need, even if i don't ask from Him, and even if i don't know that i need it. that is how great our God is. that is how much He loves us and wants us to be happy. 

this is my testimony of His love for me, of His endless provision. yes, i did get worried for a moment when none of my sources got back to me. and i felt guilty for that and i kept telling Him "God, i trust You, i trust You to provide, i will not worry, i am sorry that i'm worrying but i will trust You. help me trust You."

He has given me more than i asked for.

today, i asked myself, "are you happy?"

i smiled and said, "yes."

Let me elaborate a little more on the 5 things that i am used to, starting with the first on the list: being ignored.

it happens when i ask people question and they don't reply me because they're too busy listening to other people or thinking about things. it happens when i sms people, and i get no reply. it happens when i leave people instant messages and i get no reply. it happens when i email people and, surprise surprise, i get no reply.  it happens when i propose an idea, and no one thinks it's good enough. it happens when i try to take care of the little details in projects and people think it isn't important to take care of them.

so don't be surprise if i like to sit by myself, reading my book or staring at my laptop. don't question why i am so quiet and anti-social. don't wonder why i think so much. society made me this way. you made me this way.

i give people the benefit of the doubt. maybe i spoke too softly that they didn't hear my question. maybe they didn't have credit to reply me. maybe they are very busy. maybe i'm just stupid proposing stupid ideas. maybe...

...i'm invisible.

i was looking through my year books and i found my BM article that i wrote in form 4. it's an essay that i wrote for an exam and my teacher loved it and decided to put it in the year book. i'd like to share it with you. :)

Kasih Sayang Menjadi Mata

Pada masa itu, aku masih seorang budak kecil yang tidak tahu apa-apa. Umurku hanya kira-kira lima tahun. Aku juga tidak cacat pada ketika itu. Walaupun aku masih mentah, aku tahu membezakan nada suara manusia, sama ada mereka sedang menjerit ataupun tidak. Inilah kisahnya, sebab-sebab mengapa aku kini cacat.

Aku lahir dalam sebuah keluarga yang berada dan terkenal. Hampir semua orang tahu mengenai latar belakang dan kemewahan hidup kami. Namun begitu, mereka tidak tahu betapa sengsaranya kehidupanku. Ibu bapaku hari-hari bergaduh. Dari pagi hingga malam, pekikan dan jeritan mereka tidak berhenti. Dari semasa ke semasa pula kedengaran bunyi pinggan mangkuk pecah. Kadang kala, ayahku yang terlalu berang akan keluar rumah sehingga keesokan hari. Hubungan antara ibu dan ayahku bagaikan anjing dengan kucing.

Seperti yang diketahui, umurku hanya lima tahun pada ketika itu. Namun demikian, aku berasa takut dan sedih kerana ibu bapa aku sering berselisih faham. Ada terlintas dalam fikiranku sebab-sebab mereka berkahwin, tetapi apalah dayaku, bukannya mereka akan mendengar cakap seorang budak yang cuma berumur lima tahun sedangkan mereka tidak tahu cara untuk bercakap sesama sendiri.

Aku masih ingat pada hari-hari yang aku tidak berhenti menangis. Perasaan takut semasa ibu bapa aku saling bergaduh menusuk hatiku. Boleh dikatakan bahawa aku menangis tanpa henti bagi suatu tempoh yang panjang, kira-kira satu bulan lamanya. Hendak dikatakan tempoh is panjang juga tidak sesuai kerana ibu bapa aku tidak berhenti bergaduh sejak aku lahir lagi. Walau bagaimanapun, sikapku yang tidak berhenti menangis itu telah menyebabkan aku menjadi buta.

Aku pernah memberitahu ibu bapaku yang penglihatanku semakin kabur, tetapi mereka tidak mempedulikan aku, mungkin kerana mereka terlalu leka bergaduh. Hinggalah pada suatu hari, aku bangun tidur dan tidak dapat membuka mataku kerana terlalu sakit. Pada ketika itu barulah ibu bapa aku panik. Mereka telah membawa aku berjumpa dengan seorang doktor dan beliau telah mengesahkan bahawa aku sudah buta. Aku dapat membayangkan ibuku pengsan sementara ayahku mengeluh kesal.

Sejak hari itu, ibu bapa aku tidak lagi mengabaikan aku. Mereka menjaga aku bagai menatang minyak yang penuh. Mereka mengajar aku untuk menggunakan mindaku bagi mengingati bilangan langkah dari satu tempat ke tempat yang lain. Mereka telah menghantar aku ke sebuah sekolah khas untuk orang buta dan di situlah tempat aku belajar mempelajari tulisan Braille. Aku juga belajar bermain alat muzik. Aku dicurahkan kasih sayang yang ikhlas daripada kedua-dua ibu bapa aku.

Ibu bapa aku pula kurang bergaduh, mungkin kerana mereka perlu menjaga aku tetapi ada ketikanya apabila aku kedengaran mereka menjerit. Aku masih ingat pada malam yang tenang itu. Kami sekeluarga telah duduk bersama-sama sambil berbual dan berjenaka. Itulah kali pertama aku terdengar ibu dan ayahku ketawa. Indah bunyinya. Pada malam itu juga aku meluahkan isi hatiku. Aku memberitahu mereka sebab aku menjadi buta dan betapa sedihnya aku apabila mereka bergaduh. Mereka pula menyesali perbuatan mereka dan berjanji tidak akan bertelingkah lagi.

Janji itu telah dikotakan oleh mereka sehingga hari ini. Aku kini sudah bersedia untuk melanjutkan pelajaran ke negara lain. Ibu bapa aku lebih bertoleransi antara satu sama lain. Mereka sanggup bertolak ansur, bersabar dan mengawal diri bagi mengelakkan berlakunya pergaduhan. mereka bukan sahaja memberikan aku kasih sayang, tetapi juga kepada sesama sendiri.

Aku masih buta kerana tiada apa-apa rawatan untuk mengembalikan penglihatanku. Namun begitu, aku tidak pernah mengeluh kerana mata aku yang buta ini telah menghapuskan segala perselisihan faham dan pertelingkahan serta melahirkan bibit kasih sayang dalam sebuah keluarga. Aku tidak dapat menikmati keindahan alam lagi, tetapi biarlah begitu. Aku enggan mendapat balik penglihatanku kerana aku takut bahawa ibu bapa aku akan bergaduh semula. Aku tidak peduli jika aku buta sepanjang umurku kerana kasih sayang yang ditemui dalam keluarga ini akan menjadi mataku.

4 facebook statuses that i wrote which i thought made perfect sense... and which i like. :)

you know it's love when you don't care the topic of conversation as long as you're talking to him/her.

you know it's love when every song you hear reminds you of him/her.

you know you're in love with someone you cannot have when you're not sure which is worse... being near them.. or far away

you know you're in love with someone you cannot have when you think that life would have been better if you guys never met.

my sister has always been the stubborn, rebellious one. she is dominant and decisive. she doesn't give a damn about anything. but stands strong and firm to what she wants. she takes care of my brother and i when we were younger. and once, when i awoke from my sleep and found my mom had left to the airport to pick my dad without me, she came into the room and comforted me back to sleep, at the same time reprimanding my brother for being so loud and noisy. today, she's a successful piano teacher, businesswoman, performer and mother.

my brother has always been the polite one. the 'yes man'. whatever my parents ask him to do, he'll say "okay". but whether he does it, is another story. :p he's quite forgetful. my brother isn't very sensible though. he tends to look at the big 'bright' future, but fails to take into consideration reality. but if he wants something, he will go for it. he isn't afraid of learning from mistakes. he isn't afraid to fall. today, he is working in Singapore as an engineer... still single though. ;)

me? i'm the lazy one. and i absolutely hate it when people tells me to do something. i'd have a black cloud over my head... but, i'm too obedient. so i do them anyway. grudgingly. but if no one tells me to do something, i would do it. ungrudgingly. :) nonetheless, i'm responsible and i remember when people tells me what they want me to do. my sister says i'm the smartest amongst us three. and the most talented. i'm not sure if that's true. i'm quite nonchalant in that area. i know i'm afraid to fail. that's why i don't like to sit for exams. today, i'm a student struggling with life, uncertain of what's next and wishing i had done more before.

i'm gonna sit here and listen to this song over and over again until i remember...

there's always this one thing that i wish for. no, it's not dying young. it's something else; something that i really want and possibly need. and i've been praying for it for nearly half of my life. but, until today, i haven't got it. maybe i gotta pray more.

then, i heard about the intercession's of St Anne, mother of our blessed Mother Mary. everyone who prayed for her intercessions received what they wanted. and so, as i began to pray and ask for her intercession for that one thing i truly want, i felt something said don't. in fact, it was so clear, that voice in my head. don't. pray instead for the people around you. what you're asking for is not as important.

until today, i haven't prayed and asked St Anne to intercede for what i wanted. maybe i'm afraid of being disappointed. to pray so hard and not get it. it's not that i lack faith. if God wants to, He can heal me. He could heal me a long time ago. but He didn't. i know faith isn't just believing. it's also acting. i could easily ignore that voice and ask for what i want.

would that be selfish?

i'd rather be obedient.

i suppose i just have to live with this for the rest of my life.